Chapter XXX: OHIO LORE UNLOCKED
Chapter XXX: OHIO LORE UNLOCKED 💥
aka: The Heathobard Tea ☕ + Grendel's Mommy Issues 👹💅
💔🧌 The Heathobard Beef Starts Cookin’
So like... imagine you’re at a chill Viking dinner party 🍗🍻 and suddenly one of the Heathobard dudes starts side-eyeing your drip 👀.
Homie’s looking at some Danish knight's shiny armor like:
"Wait a dang second… 💀 Ain’t that my dad’s sword? The one he got clapped with??"
Bro is SEETHING 😤. PTSD flashback unlocked 🔓. He’s getting full-on war flashbacks mid-feast 💥🍽️. Starts trauma-dumping like:
“Yo bro fr, that’s MY family’s loot. Your people L'd on my dad, and now y’all flexin’ his stuff like it’s a Supreme drop? 🤨”
Now every time he gets a lil mead in him 🍺 he starts stirring the pot like a messy NPC, trying to rizz up a revenge arc 💅💀.
Eventually one of these dudes is gonna snap frfr, unsheathe that blade 🗡️ and go:
"This one’s for Daddy‼️"
And BOOM 💥 blood on the banquet floor, loyalty ratio’d, vibes RUINED 😔.
Friendship? 📉 Treaty? 📉 Trust in the Heathobards? HARD L. 🚩
😤 Flashback: Beowulf vs. Grendel the Ohio Gremlin 👹
Anyways—lemme rewind to when things got ACTUALLY skibidi real in Heorot 👀:
🕯️ Night falls. Stars out. Vibes chill. But THEN…
ENTER: GR🅴ND🅴L — Certified creepypasta cryptid 👹 straight outta Ohio.
This goober pulls up like:
“What’s up losers? Time for some light murder 💀”
Poor Hondscio was the first to get ratio’d ☠️💔. Dude got absolutely body-snacked. Grendel was out here swallowing soldiers like they were Hot Cheetos 💅🔥.
But then he tried it with ME. 😤 BIG mistake.
I stood up like:
“Try me, Shrek.” 🧌💪
This weirdo had a literal monster purse 😭—a cursed dripbag made of dragon skin, designed to full-send warriors into the void. Bro was tryna yeet me in like I was pocket change 🪙💀.
BUT I WOKE UP AND CHOSE SIGMA 💯
I said: NOPE. NOT TODAY. 🗿🔥 Got hands? I got divine grapples ✋
We scrapped 💥, I clutched, and the dude rage quit the dungeon bleeding out of his own arm socket 💅
Grendel dipped back to his mommy's swamp sobbing 😭 And I was vibin’ in W-mode 🏆
🏆 Next Morning = Victory Brunch & Ancient Vibes
Sun comes up 🌞, and it’s banquet time again. We were munching 🍖, storytelling 🎤, and doing the Viking version of a TikTok recap 🕺
Hrothgar, my favorite oldhead king 🧓, starts getting all nostalgic like:
“Back in MY day, I was lifting longboats and dropkicking trolls before you were even born 😔🔥”
Respect ✊
👹 BUT THEN... PLOT TWIST: MOMMY ISSUES UNLOCKED
Next night: ✨Grendel’s Mom✨ pulls up like the final boss of single motherhood.
She’s built like a sea hag with trauma and RAGE 😤
Her son got clapped? Bet. She went full Liam Neeson from Taken:
“I will find you… and I will avenge my Ohio gremlin child 🧌🔪”
She murks Æschere, Hrothgar’s old war buddy 🧓💔 Kidnaps him like it’s Fortnite and dips underwater 💦🫧
Hrothgar = emotionally cooked 🍳 He begs me, like:
“Please Beowulf, my guy… can you sigma dive into that lake and finish this beef frfr?”
Me? Already halfway into my power armor, like:
“Say less 😤”
💀 Underwater Showdown with the Karen of the Swamp
I dove headfirst into the boss fight lagoon 🏊 Met Grendel’s mom in her evil lair at the bottom like it was Subnautica: Ohio Edition
She tried to fold me like an Ikea table 😮💨 But I grabbed the biggest sword I could find (some ancient God-tier blade 🗡️) and went ✂️ HEADSHOT
One clean swing = Rizz revoked. She got ratio’d harder than her son. 📉📉
Barely escaped with my life but walked out with her decapitated head like it was a trophy from Spirit Halloween 🧌💀🏆
🪙 Rewarded With V-Bucks and Respect
Came back up, Hrothgar’s crying happy tears 😭 Showered me with gold, bling, and good vibes ✨💰 Whole squad vibing.
Just another W in the grindset. 💯
To Be Continued… 👀🔥 Next time: MORE drama, MORE monsters, and maybe a dragon with MAJOR giga-rizz 🐉💅
#BeowulfButMakeItOhio #SigmaWarriorChronicles #NoCapAllClap